Homework Assignments

As the conversations with Mr. S have become more detailed as to what I wanted to feel (I still wasn't really sure) and/or derive from my experiences with him, he started to give me assignments or tasks to complete. Much along the same thread that J did. Something to remind me that I was under someone's control. A test to see if I would comply, perhaps. The tasks started out simple. Describe my breasts, my cunt. Tell him what it felt like to touch my nipples, to masturbate. Then he told me I was to masturbate twice a day, without coming to orgasm. Huh? My first reaction was "of course, no problem." Because if it was a problem he would never know. Unlike J he required no photographic evidence of my heeding his wishes, he was to take me at my word. He would trust me.

It took me exactly 20 or so seconds into the first session that I realized that I would obey completely. Why would I short change myself on this experience by being even a tad insolent. Of course I could lie, and he would never know. But what if he took that same stance? I am trusting him to bind me, to take my body and mind places it has never been before - the thought of him lying to me under those circumstances was unthinkable. Why would I not want to delivery to him the same. So, masturbate (without orgasm) I did. Twice a day, which he eventually upped to thrice a day. Mr. S did say that at anytime I could call and ask permission for an orgasm, but as the days drew on it seemed it was more important for me to savor the experience and give both myself and him, the first orgasm of my week in person.

The masturbation was difficult, I like to orgasm. But as the few days became several I noticed that as the finish line was no longer a goal or even a possibility, the race became what was important. I spent time with my body. I found new ways of touching myself that frankly, just never occurred to me before. New places to touch, new positions, discovered ways of holding off that big finish for an astonishingly (to me) amount of time. It was amazing. My typical masturbation session went from about 5-10 minutes (with orgasm) to upwards of 30-40 minutes without. Who knew! He soon added in nipple play to my self-torture. Pinching and pulling as hard as I can for a count of 60. Again, I relished in it. I treated myself as if he were watching and with never a thought to disappoint or to non-compliance.

It was the completion of an outstanding assignment that fucked with me the most. Within the first few conversations we had Mr. S asked for some photos of me. Nude, and full frontal. I promptly sent tit photos, cute pics of me dressed to go out, anything I could find but nude and full frontal. So interesting that I was planning to have this man to all sorts of terrible things to my body, and the thing that scared me the most was him seeing my naked self. While not "need the extra seat belt thing on an airplane" fat, I am not a tiny girl. I am not attractive naked. I, like so many other women, am plagued by body issues. I don't want to see my naked, why would anyone else. The more I tried to avoid it, the more it became clear I would not be able to. Mr. S finally put his foot down and reminded me that my nudity was my submission. Got it. Photos were taken and sent. I don't believe it was 10 minutes after I hit send before I received the first text message telling me how beautiful I am. Consequently, where I might have been terrified to have him see me...lights on, that fear is gone. It will not be a thought in my head when we meet. Self-esteem boosting, yet another ancillary benefit I have found with my limited experience within the BDSM community. Beauty is not conventional and is found in unexpected packages. A lesson I have tried to teach myself that often, but it never seems to stick. I think this might be the time.

As I sit, less then 48 hours from a potential life changing chapter, I have so much in my head that it hard to parse out. It is almost as if these two weeks was to short of amount of time to process everything. Thankfully I have an amazing teacher and an every growing, amazing support structure within the community.

"I see a beautiful canvas on which I will write dominance and pain." ~Mr. S