The Journey Begins - Again

The first time I read 'The Story of O' I knew I was not alone. I knew that there were other women like me. Incredibly strong, intelligent, self-confident, and independent women who not only enjoy, but feel empowered by being sexually owned and dominated by others.

I put the fantasy in the back of my head for several years, afraid to talk about it. My girlfriends were as equally horrified with the Story as I was entranced. They would not understand. My boyfriend, as wonderful and generous a lover as he was, could never bring our level of play to the limits I wanted to reach - and eventually cross. I spent the majority of my 20s and the better part of my 30s reading everything I could about the Dom/sub community. Itching to get involved and not having a clue where to start.

My first major move was to attend a Denver sex convention in 2006. The convention was basically a very, large porn store but complete with a Real. Live. Dungeon. It took me most of the day to wander into the back corner, but once I did, it took effort to get me out. It was there that I discovered the beauty that is Japanese Rope Bondage - Shibari. It was also where I discovered the Kilted Man wielding a violet wand. I allowed the Kilted Man to lay me on a massage table and show me (in a very limited fashion) what I had been missing. I was hooked.
I attended a BDSM 101 seminar, a Latex seminar and an additional session on the violet wand. I could not remember the last time I felt as fully free with my sexuality as I did that day.

I promptly repressed my kink for another three years. In 2009 I found like-minds in a somewhat unexpected place, Twitter. I made contacts, I spoke to people and arranged a meeting with someone that I never should have. There was little discussion, little negotiation, and consequently little trust. But, I was desperate to explore so I forged ahead without allowing my discomfort to be heard. A horrible night and a date-rape later, and I was back in the closet. I was convinced that my combination of poor judgment and near desperate desire to explore was a continual recipe for disaster. Until I met J. He wanted to show me things and push me places that I knew I wanted to go, but was so afraid. The level of trust he created was extreme, not a stitch of clothing came of prior to a good month of conversations. I allowed him to cross lines and discover new lines and boundaries and my benefit was to discover new levels of passion and sensuality that I have never felt before. Yes, I do like to be bound. Yes, I do like hot candle wax dripped across my tits. Yes, I do liked to be slapped across the face, have my hair pulled, choked and called a filthy whore all the while having orgasms in waves (and buckets!).

After our first play session, J held me for hours. Stroked my hair, kissed my face, rubbed my sore backside with a degree of tenderness that was almost more shocking then his brutality. He told me he was proud of me, how good I was, how happy I made him. And for all you naysayers, there was not a condescending note within his body. Because of my travel schedule, I was out of town often and he began to introduce some remote play. Photographing my panties for him to choose which I would wear for the day. Controlling my ability to have an orgasm when masturbating, I must call for permission. Expecting me to ask permission to be with someone else - this was never denied, but I was to ask first. And you know what? It was one of the hottest times in my life. My level of sexual need & desire, and the sexiness of how I felt about myself was off the charts. I was happy and that touched every facet of my life. I was more confident, more successful at my job, more giving to those in my life. Happy.

And then he was abruptly gone. So abrupt in fact, that there was much unfinished business. Lines not crossed, new frontiers not forged, and other meaningless metaphors left incomplete.

Four months and an inexplicable hole in my heart/mind/soul later and I have found a new teacher, Mr.S. One who could prove to be a pivotal piece as my journey continues.....